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Last night, after a happy day at work and with family, I slept scared and horrified by the sight of brown discharge on my underwear. Upon seeing the omen, I summoned my husband, texted my doctor and called my god. I've been on a long road to motherhood, but now I can't help but ask, will I ever arrive there?


Morning came, and I was disappointed, depressed to see it was still there. That haunting shade of tan. My husband and I decided to excuse ourselves from work so that I can rest and visit my doctor.

When it was finally my turn for consultation, my doctor asked me some questions to establish probable cause of the discharge and then she tried to scan my tummy with a Doppler device in search of the baby's heartbeat, but there was none. She sent me out for a transvaginal ultrasound, with which it was finally established that our baby has died.

I know nothing compares to the hardships that come with motherhood. But today I knew the one thing that's harder than being a mother is wanting but failing to become one.