Heartbeat

About three weeks ago, I tested positive for pregnancy. Though happy and thankful, all my positive feelings are peppered with uncertainty and partiality. Because of my previous case, according to my doctor, we had to confirm first if it would be a viable pregnancy this time. I thought, to see pregnancy as a conditional gift is stupid. But I cannot hide my worry and fright behind a thin and volatile veil of happiness.


So today, my husband and I braced ourselves to finally find out. I went for an ultrasound. Nervous and sensitive, we almost did not talk to each other, especially about what we were supposed to see. We tried not to build any expectation lest we disappoint ourselves. However, last night, I worriedly asked him what we will do if ever it happens again. I expected that he would dismiss the conversation in fury, but instead he answered, "kung anong sasabihin ng doctor". I was comforted to hear that - the truest and only realistic answer - from him. I guess we were ready to hear bad news again. Actually I was thinking about this while I was pretending to read a book in the queue in the clinic. Though alarmed by his silence, I waited until we were inside the ultrasound room to ask him if he was alright, and when he said no, he's nervous, I was assured he was praying the whole time he was quiet.

It helped that Dr. Mata, the sonologist, was quite cool and funny. Yet all our fears and worry cannot be hidden; I felt as if my feelings might burst anytime. Actually, our feelings did burst, but in the place of frustration, there was happiness, for we saw for the first time our baby's heartbeat. Only God knows how happy we are, to the point that we don't want to let go of the moment but at the same time dream of getting past the next trimesters as quickly as possible so as to give birth to our child.

After the excitement subsided, of course, I became filled with nervousness and anxiety about what kind of world I would introduce and bring my child into. Before that, will we even survive the first trimester and the next ones after that? We lift everything up to the Lord, for we trust in His plans.

For being able to experience the miracle that's happening within us, I'm grateful.