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Last night, after a happy day at work and with family, I slept scared and horrified by the sight of brown discharge on my underwear. Upon seeing the omen, I summoned my husband, texted my doctor and called my god. I've been on a long road to motherhood, but now I can't help but ask, will I ever arrive there?

Heartbeat

About three weeks ago, I tested positive for pregnancy. Though happy and thankful, all my positive feelings are peppered with uncertainty and partiality. Because of my previous case, according to my doctor, we had to confirm first if it would be a viable pregnancy this time. I thought, to see pregnancy as a conditional gift is stupid. But I cannot hide my worry and fright behind a thin and volatile veil of happiness.

All lives may be imperfect, but no life is a mistake

Last Friday, I was shocked to read a text message that said a young friend and fellow churchgoer just died due to apparent suicide. At that instant the horror and grief that comes after knowing about the death of someone close crept up and gripped me with such overwhelming power and a strong aftertaste I thought I had long forgotten.

Love

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Because of my recent experiences, I cannot help but view the above line with reproductive failure in mind – when nothing else remains, a childless marriage can only be secured with faith and hope, but what makes it survive is love.

Getting a non-professional license

Last November, while I was planning to buy a car, I went to get a student driving permit from the Land Transportation Office. It was pretty easy especially because there was a satellite office near us (Malabon City Hall). Early one morning, my brother and I went there with photocopies of our birth certificates, student ID for him and marriage certificate for me. We got our student permits after two hours – which covered filling up the application form and submitting it together with the requirements (+ photocopy of parent’s ID and written consent for my brother who’s below 18 years old), waiting, having our pictures and signatures taken, payment and releasing. It cost a little over 300 pesos each.

Tips on buying a pre-owned car

I say it was because of our HK travel plan that we suddenly thought of buying - and actually bought - a car. Since our flight will be coming from Clark, Pampanga, at quite an inconvenient hour, we thought it wise to invest our savings in a pre-loved vehicle that we can certainly still use after the trip.

Hong Kong itinerary

I am a strong believer in planning ahead, most practically in travelling. So as much as possible, I try to book our travels months in advance so that there is more than enough time to save money, research about the place and strategize on how we can maximize the little time to be spent there.

From the accommodation, dining and shopping places up to the modes of transportation, knowing what to expect and finding good deals is a great advantage. For our four-day trip to Hong Kong, we decided to lodge in the Tsim Sha Tsui area and intended to visit five attractions: Avenue of the Stars, The Peak, Ocean Park, Giant Buddha and Disneyland.

Passport application in the Philippines

In preparation for our first overseas family travel in December, we decided that we should all get new passports together. So on the last week of August, we reserved a schedule for application through the DFA’s online passport appointment system (The DFA no longer allows passport applicants without appointment, which makes the process quicker and more organized). One may also get an appointment through their hotline. Just make sure you read the details: the application steps, requirements and fees.

Group buying sites

This relatively new generation of commercial enterprise is heaven-sent for budget-conscious people like me. However, even angelic offers can be misleading; these are, after all, still profit-oriented businesses. Before you click that “Buy” button, take caution when finding deals and carefully evaluate offers. The following are some lessons I have learned so far in my love affair with group buying sites.

A lesson in investing

Months ago, my husband and I thought we found a propitious investment opportunity. Being offered are five-year leasing rights for stalls in a newly built community market not very far from our place. Since his business involves buying and selling fresh fish and seafood, we thought this venture would not be unfamiliar. And so after checking out the market and weeks of discussion, we applied for a stall and had it reserved. We spent a big part of our savings to pay for the five-year right, stall renovation, water and electricity connection and some other necessities.

D&C

It is unusually difficult to see the bright side when it is your self, your body, that is causing your hardship. The past few days have been really overly stressful - for the most part because of the failed pregnancy, but also because of confusion and uncertainty that made me transfer to another doctor and hospital. Last night, my husband and I stayed at a Manila inn so that we won't be late for my scheduled dilatation and curettage (D&C). It is a minor procedure wherein the cervix is dilated and the remains of a failed pregnancy are scooped and suctioned out of the womb.

Blighted ovum

My pregnancy has been very well documented. From my firstcheckup, I have been seeing my doctor every weekend and having a transvaginal ultrasound (TVU) each time. It's unwanted but is necessary because for several weeks now, we have been trying and still failing to detect the baby’s heartbeat.

Pregnant!

Friday is the day of the week that most people look forward to, except only perhaps if it falls on the 13th day of the month, which superstition says makes a spooky match. Even so, it is today, a Friday the 13th, that I learn about my pregnancy after almost a year of marriage. Even though we did not actually “plan” to get pregnant, it felt so right and heartwarming.

Appreciating family: Marina de Bay

We were extremely tired by the time we reached Marina deBay at the end of our Underground river tour day, but we all agreed it was too early to go to bed. I guess we were energized by the homeyness of the place so that we got ourselves wet in the pool while talking about how tired we were and if we can still pull ourselves together for the Honda Bay tour on the following day before our flight.

Appreciating nature: Palawan's underground river

The highlight, of course, of our Puerto Princesa trip is the Subterranean river tunnel in Sabang. With all the hype brought about by the recent declaration of it being one of the new seven wonders of the world, it was not at all surprising to find many people going there. And so, on the second day of our stay, we found ourselves in a 14-seater van together with mostly foreigners on our way to the famous natural marvel.

Appreciating adventure: Puerto Princesa City

A few months back, I came across an airfare promo by a local airline and was able to book plane tickets for a minimal cost. After months of preparing for this travel – the first that our family has done together – we happily left Manila for Puerto Princesa, Palawan.

The G in Gratitude

For quite some time, I have been wanting to put up a blog where I can, not just express myself but, make enough sense of my personal experiences to deserve audience. But what to write about? To post nothing more than bits of my everyday life is quite narrow and hoggish – I'd leave that to some in Facebook and Twitter. I'm never vain nor confident to want to speak fashion, so no. I've been to several places, yes, but not sufficient to fill a credible travel diary. I'm also too frugal in my ways I don't think I can glorify every food I eat. Even when I eat good food, I don't think I am qualified to judge it fairly and not just according to my innocent palate.

Even so, I want to write about most of these and more. But what happens to coherence? I myself despise online journals of scattered thoughts about whatever comes the way. So for a unifying theme, I thought of one that is laudable as much as it is laudatory. And, as you can see (thanks that you're here!), this is what I came up with.