All lives may be imperfect, but no life is a mistake

Last Friday, I was shocked to read a text message that said a young friend and fellow churchgoer just died due to apparent suicide. At that instant the horror and grief that comes after knowing about the death of someone close crept up and gripped me with such overwhelming power and a strong aftertaste I thought I had long forgotten.

My initial reaction was disbelief for I know how jolly and kind the person was and I thought it does not make sense that after all the hardships she was able to surpass when she was younger, she would be surrendering now that she is far better than how she used to be. I tried to remember her and look for signs if there were any that can point to her state of mind in the last week. But I dismissed the thinking because I realized how small a part of her life our interactions may be.

While I was becoming more curious of why she would kill herself, I was having an indescribable feeling and it started to become so familiar I attempted to distance myself from it. But soon I realized it was always a part of me. Twelve years ago, before I turned 11, I was asking the same question about my own father. He took his own life and left us with an unfinished house, a car no one knows how to drive, a business drowning in debt and a traumatic experience that will forever change our lives.

Suicide, for people who think about it, is the easiest way out. But for me, it is a selfish and unkind thing to do. I won’t even get started on the moral aspect of it. A former classmate whose family owns a funerary once told me that when she sees dead bodies of people who committed suicide, she can’t help but think of those who try hard to buy their lives out from deadly diseases. She said those who consider suicide are nothing more than brainless, probably friendless, assholes.

I'm pretty sure people who consider doing the deed will try to rationalize that irrational act. There can be so many reasons as there can be so many ways to do it. But for me, it's only either that you value yourself too much you're too selfish you don't think of the people you will leave behind, or you don't value yourself at all, you think that those you will leave will be happier or better off when you're gone. In both cases, you most certainly are in bad mental shape and need psychiatric help.

For being sane and able to appreciate life despite its flaws, hardships and throes, I am grateful.